It all started on the evening of October 16th. M. and I were watching some lame ass show on the laptop in bed. For the millionth time that week he asked me if I was having contractions yet. I told him I didn’t.. but wait.. what was that? I had no idea if it was or wasn’t, because I didn’t really know what it was supposed to feel like! In any way M. probably thought I was joking because he fell asleep not long after. I stayed awake all night, because it turned out I was having contractions. The next morning, we started timing them. They were irregular and too short. So I sent M. to work as usual on Friday. Our new neighbors had decided that that was the day they would do heavy construction in their new home. So not only was I troubled by contractions all day, I also had to listen to drilling and hammering from 8.00AM to 8.00PM.
My mother stopped by around eleven that morning. When I told her what was going on, she tried to force me to get M. home and call the hospital. But I wanted to put that off as long as possible. I even started to doubt if I had made the right decision choosing for a hospital birth instead of a homebirth. It didn’t really matter, because of my high bloodpressure I no longer had a choice, I had to deliver the baby in the hospital. I sent her away. The same thing happened when M. got home that evening. He was quite upset that I hadn’t fully told him what was going on. But I just wanted to be by myself as long as possible. I did make sure that Dixie and Elmo had filled up food bowls and fresh water before we went to bed around 9.00PM. One last stop at the toilet before I would hop into bed. But wait.. that is an incredible amount of pee. Surely that couldn’t all be pee? My water broke while I was on the toilet. I opened the door and told M. that maybe it was time to go to the hospital afterall!

So I called the hospital, meanwhile I was leaking like an idiot. By now I was starting to get really nervous because I realized there was no way back now, eventhough all I wanted to do was sleep. If only I could just sleep and deliver it in the morning, I would be so much more ready. The hospital wants me to come in for a cardiotocography (ctg). At the hospital they decide to keep me overnight because of my bloodpressure. M. has to go home. They will induce in the morning. I’m sucking up my tears because I hate spending the night at the hospital so much. Thankfully I get a room by myself. Where I imidiatly clog the sink because that is where I decide to puke seeing no other, more suitable place. The night nurse gives me an IV and tells me how to control my breathing. She’s a very friendly woman, considering I give her so much trouble, or at least, it feels like I do. I know there are more women and babies on the floor, but it’s like I’m the only one making noise and walking around. I go to the bathroom three of four times and puke two more times. Then I tell the nurse I can’t take it anymore. Around 1.30AM she walks me to the delivery room.

In the delivery room, I call M. and tell him he needs to come back. They hook me up to the ctg again, which requires me to lay down. I can deal with the contrations better while I’m standing and laying down is just pure torture. After a while the new nurse tells me it will take three more contractions before she will remove the strap around my nonexistant waist, so I start counting down. Unfortunatly for me, she lied and leaves it on much longer. After she does remove it, the doctor places an internal ctg. By this time M. returns. What seems like forever goes by untill the doctor returns and gives me an internal exam. I’m 5 cm dilated and she tells us she will return in two hours. That sounds like an eternity to me! So I ask the nurse if there is any form of painkiller available for me. I knew an epidural wasn’t an option, because there is no anesthesiologist at this particular hospital during the night nor the weekend. Instead she offered me remifentanil, which they hooked up to my IV. The nurse gave me a button that lights up every once in a while, then I can press it when I feel like I need it and the drug is given. What an experience! I wouldn’t mind trying this shit out while I’m not delivering a baby because it’s so relaxing! So extremely relaxing that I kept on dozing off inbetween contractions and forgot to breathe. Whenever that happened an alarm went off.

When the doctor returned, after a while, the medication was hooked off and it was time to start pushing. This was complete hell! All I wanted to do was sleep, I didn’t think it was possible for me to push the baby out, I was so extremely tired! I had to grab myself under my knees, pull myself up, breathe in and push. But I felt too tired to pull myself up. Thankfully M. helped me with this. The nurse and the doctor told me not to moan or scream during the pushing, which was really hard for me. Instead, I bit my upper lip so hard that I looked like a duck for a day. Right before the baby was born, the doctor gave me a local anesthetic and an episiotomy. Then the nurse climbed behind me on the bed and during the next contraction, she pushed down on my belly really hard, so Casper’s head was born. I was really weirded out by this woman pushing so hard, but I was too far gone to protest. In any way, it was necessary. The umbilical cord was wrapped around Casper’s neck so that made it all a little harder. I had expected that Casper’s body would just follow after his head was out, but I had to push one more time. In total I had to push for and hour and fifteen minutes for Casper to be born. Fifteen minutes later the placenta followed. I had no idea that they are so huge! And disgusting!

M. cut the umbilical cord and after that the baby was checked and bathed. Meanwhile I got stitches, which took quite some time and it hurt quite a bit as well! Casper was born at 5.36AM on October 18, he was 54 cm/21,3 inches long and weighed 3690 gram/8lbs 2oz. Unfortunatly we had to stay in the hospital for another day and night so they could monitor my bloodpressure, which returned to normal after the birth. I don’t think I’ve ever been more happy to go home than that Sunday!

I go to the bathroom 10 times a night and when I’m asleep I dream about looking for the bathroom, but I can never find one I can use, the ones I do find are either too dirty, occupied or they have no walls.

Next monday the gynecologist is going to check if my cervix has started to dilate yet.

I don’t like to go out by myself anymore. In fact, I don’t like to go out at all anymore. The last week and a half I’ve been having periods where it’s hard to breathe and it really freaks me out. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, but it started the same time I started using those medicines for my bloodpressure. I mentioned it at the gynecologist last monday, but he hardly seemed to take notice. So I just sit around at the house all day. And lounge around, because when I sit upright my legs tend to object within half and hour!

Today I had another check up at the clinic. Not surprizingly my bloodpressure was too high once again. So they forwarded me to the gynecologist at the hospital once more. The urine- and bloodtests came back normal, like before but now I’ve been given medication to lower my bloodpressure.
I feel like I need another week to recover from today. I could not control my emotions when the midwife told me I needed to go to hospital again; I had so hoped to get back to bed once I got home and now she bascially told me that I had another long day ahead of me. I cried all the way to my parents house and then some. I felt like running away but knew I couldn’t.
You have no idea how happy I am that that’s all behind me again. And you have no idea how guilty I feel for not being able to wash the dishes and iron the clothes today. I had planned to let Elmo out of his cage, I had planned to make up with Dixie who I had to take to the vet yesterday. I had planned to cook a nice dinner..

I’m sorry that I’m neglecting everyone, I’m sorry for not keeping in touch. I just cannot deal with everything right now.

Why this change? Well, the pregnancy went from flawless to flawed. I could live with the belly, the sleeplessness, the kicking in my side, the tiredness, the no smoking and no drinking, but now my bloodpressure is getting too high. And with the high bloodpressure, which I’m convinced is mostly caused by stress, come more doctor visits and examinations that are only causing me to have even more stress and get even more tired. I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious circle and other than M. no one really seems to understand this. I can’t explain what exactly makes me nervous about meeting people, doctors, friends, family and strangers, I just know that it has always been this way.

Today M.’s mother (I’m sorry to say it, but that’s another stress factor right there) is driving me to hospital so I can have my urine and blood tested for the third time this week, they can hook me up to a machine to keep track of the baby’s heartrate and my bloodpressure for another hour or so and I can feel completely worn out again by the end of the day.

Oh and to everyone takes any interest in crochet or knitting at all and hasn’t done so yet: Go over to Ravelry and sign up for an account! It is really one of the most inspiring places on the web. I spend nearly all my online time there nowadays.