Less than three months to go. There is no possibility of backing out now, even if I wanted to. But every now and than I wonder if I am truely ready for this great responsibility.
The nursery is completed, we have almost all the supplies we need in terms of clothes, toys and etc. We’re financially capable and my mother is more than willing to babysit two days a week so I can go to work after my maternity leave is up. But am I emotionally ready?

I feel better than I have in a long time, even considering pregnancy hormones. And I think I’m succeeding quite well in hiding those. M. is bound to notice something, but thankfully he wasn’t there when I was struggling to hold my tears back when I saw a program on tv about babies last night. Somehow he, like many men, doesn’t understand that girls ocassionally cry for reasons that can’t be explained, whether they’re expecting a baby or not. Not too long ago I heard somewhere that women cry once a week on avarage. I’m nowhere near that average.
There was a time when I was convinced that one day I would be an adult, I would know how to handle every situation and I would lose my insecurities. That would be the time I would be ready to start a family of my own. But I have given up on that illusion a long time ago. I am who I have always been and I’m sure I will still be me by the time I’m eighty, if I live to be that age.

I honestly don’t know if I’m ready to be a mom. I will try my best, that’s for sure. And I’m convinced I will learn a lot along the way. My own parents set a great example, they have always been patient, understanding and loving towards me, but other than that, I have little reference. I don’t even know any babies. Neither M. nor I have ever held one.
Since I was about 23, babies started to appeal to me, like puppies and other young animals have always done. Before that I was sure I would never have children. I considered having children as extremely selfish. Why bring another one in the world while there are so many out there already? Unloved ones, ones that are starving? I didn’t understand why people wanted a mini-me so desperatly. And to be true, I still don’t. I don’t think there is a way to explain it.

I never thought I would ever be with someone who would want to have children with me. I had given up on ever having a stable relationship, I didn’t even want to be in a relationship, because they only ever brought me sadness and insecurity. Before being with M. I had never experienced this feeling of being at home with someone who wasn’t of my own family. I had no idea that a relationship could be this way. I mean to say that I have never had a reason to think about having children before, since I could not provide them with a solid base, something I think is essential.
But then M. came into my life and I ended up pregnant so quickly. Yes, we had discussed having children, but neither of us had expected it to happen so quickly! I had been reckless with birthcontrol before without consequences and my menstrual cycle had always been a mess. Naieve as I was, I was convinced that it would take a lot of effort to get me pregnant, if I could get pregnant at all.
For a lot of people it is a process, they decide to have children and they have the time to get used to the idea of becoming a parent, because pregnancy doesn’t happen right away. Even before they conceive, they start reading up on parenting, giving birth, babies. But I feel like I’ve been taken on a rollercoaster ride and I know that I have no one to blame or thank for that but myself. And I’m excited and a little scared at the same time.

Yesterday we had another visit to the midwife, at exactly 27 weeks. Everything is still going fine and dandy. The baby was positioned head down in a curve with his feet on my left side. He was kicking all the way through the examination. I had a different midwife then on my previous appointments, this time it was a lady. She seems a little more oldfashioned than the man I met with. She was very friendly, more informative and more specific on my diet. Personally, I prefer the man, who’s a little more distant. There are five midwives at the clinic here and the idea is to see them all at least once so that I won’t get a stranger to help me through labor. I wonder if it really matters. There will be so much going on, I doubt I’ll even notice.
My next appointment is scheduled in three weeks. I’ll have to remember to go to the hospital in about two weeks to have some bloodwork done, so they will have the results in by then. Oh, and I gained another 3,4 kg since my last visit! I think I can stop worrying about gaining enough now!

I almost forgot to mention: I gave in! The baby will have M.’s lastname. I had made my mind up a while ago, he’s so good to me and I realised it really means a lot to him, so I figured he deserved it. Last week we officially acknowledged paternity.

This is probably my last post for a while. On sunday M. and I are off to Paris for a couple of days and after that we’ll be heading towards the south of France. The plan is to stay there for two weeks. I can hardly wait! I definatly want to visit the Louvre this time, I’ve been to Paris a handfull of times, but never visited the Louvre and I can’t see myself going there with a small child either, so this is probably the last chance I have in a long time. Wherever we’ll end up, we’ll be sure to take a lot of pictures!

I just came back from a checkup at the clinic. I was more relaxed going there then the previous times. Now that I feel the baby move almost all the time, I’m confident he is doing well. I weighed in at 65kg (143lbs) which means I’ve gained 7kg (15.4lbs) since getting pregnant. I’m 23 weeks along now and I do feel like work is getting more and more of a problem. I’m so very tired and my belly and back are starting to ache sooner every day. As of yesterday morning my legs are aching as well. I’m so glad I only have two days to go untill I have three weeks off!

During the last week of our leave, M. and I will be focusing our attention to the nursery. A couple of weeks ago we got the closet of the series we want because we’ve been showered with baby items by friends and family and needed a place to store them! On our next visit to IKEA we’ll be getting the cot and the commode. As for the theme color of the room, I want a light/mid green.

On a last note: the Netherlands will be facing Russia in the quarter finals of Euro 2008. This will be a very interesting match since Russia is coached by Dutchie Guus Hiddink!

Well ta-ta everyone, see you on the flipside!

Yesterday was the first time someone who wasn’t “in” on it asked me if I was pregnant.
At least, I think he did. I can never quite understand what he’s saying exactly, but it sounded like, “Arupregnant?”
“Huh? Ehm.. Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”

I think he asked me to have sex with him once too.

Today is my 26-and-a-half-th birthday. It’s Kitty’s eight. M. turned 25-and-a-half a couple of days ago. We have been together for half a year this week and I’m halfway through my pregnancy. I’m tired of people who react snotty when I tell them I’m pregnant while M. and I have been together for only six months. But I know I’ve been skeptical of similar situations in the past, so I suppose I deserve their disapproving looks. I just know that this feel right to me and I’ve never been happier with my life. I’m equally tired of unasked for, false advice. Why is it that everyone acts like they’re an expert on pregnancies? And why is it that so many people seem to think that alcohol is okay, even good for the baby? If I have questions, I’ll ask the midwife or someone I trust to know what they’re talking about, not some random person, kthanx.

I’m so incredibly tired. All I want to do is chill in bed with the laptop with food and my knitting within reach. I don’t know what tires me the most, the pregnancy, the mindless work or the allergies. It’s really hard to find something that I’m allowed to take that actually works for my allergy to pollen now that I’m pregnant.
Only three weeks and two days left untill my vacation begins. I cannot wait!

At 19 weeks and 1 day. Excuse me for the lopsided scans!

Yesterday was the long awaited appointment for our second ultrasound. I was a little nervous because just like when I go for a check up to the dentist and my teeth start to hurt a couple of days in advance, I hadn’t really felt the baby move in a day or two, so I was worried something might be off. Turns out it is just a little trickster, because the ultrasound showed us that it was doing just fine and even M. felt the baby kick through my belly for the first time afterwards. Throughout the ultrasound I couldn’t stop looking at the facial expressions of the midwife, sometimes she looked worried, but I suppose she was just concentrating on her work because she assured us that everything looked normal and all measurements came up fine. After a while it became pretty obvious what the sex of our baby is; we’re having a baby boy! Ha! I’m so happy to be in-the-know now, now I can go out shopping without having to worry I’ll buy the wrong things. And M. and I really need to work on finding a boys name we both like. We have one in mind already, but it didn’t stand out as much as the girls name we had picked out, so maybe something else will pop up that we’re both wild about.
And then there’s still the ongoing dilemma of the last name…

I will post the pictures of the ultrasound as soon as possible, I’ll have to ask M. to scan them once he finds the time.

We’ve been living together for almost three months now and I still get the treatment of a princess. I’ve never been happier in my life and that kind of scares me and so I’m coming up with all kinds of doom scenario’s in my head to make up for the good times we’re having now. What if M. gets in a car accident? What if there’s something wrong with the baby? But other than that, I have few troubles, besides coming up with money for our vacation. I don’t know where the money has been disappearing to. It feels like there’s a leak somewhere, I’m working my ass off and there still is a shortage! But I suppose that goes for the majority of us.

I can feel the baby kicking all the time now. Only nine more days untill our second ultrasound which will hopefully tell us if we’re getting a baby boy or girl! I really cannot wait!

Just came back from my second visit to the clinic, where we got the hear the heartbeat of the baby! According to the midwife (or in this case, midman) all is going perfectly well. The results of the bloodtests they had done on me a couple of weeks ago were just fine. My bloodpressure was a little high, but that is because I’m always super stressed when I have to go anywhere that vaguely resembles a hospital. And I lost 400 grams in weight. Which I just really can’t help and where I have no explanation for except that I was sick last Sunday and I couldn’t hold anything down.

M. joined me this time and I suppose that too had a little to do with my nerves. Somehow I’m more at ease when I’m on my own. Speaking of M. we have one issue that comes up over and over again and I really don’t know how we will ever be able to get around it. It’s the name of the baby. No, not even its firstname, the lastname! I want to give it mine, he wants to give it his. Neither of us is willing to give in. I’m hoping he will be so thrilled when the baby is born that he won’t care anymore, that he agrees that I deserve to give the baby my name because of all the work and pain had I had to go through. Pretty please?

Today I’m exactly three months pregnant. That is considered a milestone, right? The past three months went quite well. I hardly felt sick, just very tired. It’s been a stressful period though, telling everyone that meant something to us about the pregnancy. Being scared of how they would react because M. and I have been together for such a short time. It were also the months of quitting alcohol and cigarettes.
Overall I’ve considered it a very happy period. I moved in with M. and we’re still getting along great. We haven’t had a real fallout yet and we’re still mad about eachother. I’m still amazed that he seems to like me so much. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I keep saying it over and over again, but it’s true: I have never met someone quite like him, someone I feel so at home with.

I can only hope that the rest of my pregnancy goes as well as the first part. It does feel like I’m getting more energy but on the other hand it seems as if I’m more troubled by nausea than at the beginning of the pregnancy. Today is the second time I had to hug the toilet bowl this week, I really hope it’s not the beginning of a new trend!