Less than three months to go. There is no possibility of backing out now, even if I wanted to. But every now and than I wonder if I am truely ready for this great responsibility.
The nursery is completed, we have almost all the supplies we need in terms of clothes, toys and etc. We’re financially capable and my mother is more than willing to babysit two days a week so I can go to work after my maternity leave is up. But am I emotionally ready?

I feel better than I have in a long time, even considering pregnancy hormones. And I think I’m succeeding quite well in hiding those. M. is bound to notice something, but thankfully he wasn’t there when I was struggling to hold my tears back when I saw a program on tv about babies last night. Somehow he, like many men, doesn’t understand that girls ocassionally cry for reasons that can’t be explained, whether they’re expecting a baby or not. Not too long ago I heard somewhere that women cry once a week on avarage. I’m nowhere near that average.
There was a time when I was convinced that one day I would be an adult, I would know how to handle every situation and I would lose my insecurities. That would be the time I would be ready to start a family of my own. But I have given up on that illusion a long time ago. I am who I have always been and I’m sure I will still be me by the time I’m eighty, if I live to be that age.

I honestly don’t know if I’m ready to be a mom. I will try my best, that’s for sure. And I’m convinced I will learn a lot along the way. My own parents set a great example, they have always been patient, understanding and loving towards me, but other than that, I have little reference. I don’t even know any babies. Neither M. nor I have ever held one.
Since I was about 23, babies started to appeal to me, like puppies and other young animals have always done. Before that I was sure I would never have children. I considered having children as extremely selfish. Why bring another one in the world while there are so many out there already? Unloved ones, ones that are starving? I didn’t understand why people wanted a mini-me so desperatly. And to be true, I still don’t. I don’t think there is a way to explain it.

I never thought I would ever be with someone who would want to have children with me. I had given up on ever having a stable relationship, I didn’t even want to be in a relationship, because they only ever brought me sadness and insecurity. Before being with M. I had never experienced this feeling of being at home with someone who wasn’t of my own family. I had no idea that a relationship could be this way. I mean to say that I have never had a reason to think about having children before, since I could not provide them with a solid base, something I think is essential.
But then M. came into my life and I ended up pregnant so quickly. Yes, we had discussed having children, but neither of us had expected it to happen so quickly! I had been reckless with birthcontrol before without consequences and my menstrual cycle had always been a mess. Naieve as I was, I was convinced that it would take a lot of effort to get me pregnant, if I could get pregnant at all.
For a lot of people it is a process, they decide to have children and they have the time to get used to the idea of becoming a parent, because pregnancy doesn’t happen right away. Even before they conceive, they start reading up on parenting, giving birth, babies. But I feel like I’ve been taken on a rollercoaster ride and I know that I have no one to blame or thank for that but myself. And I’m excited and a little scared at the same time.

We came home late Wednesday evening and we’re still recovering! There’s another week of vacation left which we’ll spend working on the nursery and chilling. I’ll be filling you in about everything that happened on our trip soon. There is a lot for me to blog about and I’ve completed a handfull of items on my 101 in 1001 as well, so that needs some updating as well. For now I’ll just leave you with a picture of me at the Louvre. There’s a ton of pictures to come, so stay tuned!

This is probably my last post for a while. On sunday M. and I are off to Paris for a couple of days and after that we’ll be heading towards the south of France. The plan is to stay there for two weeks. I can hardly wait! I definatly want to visit the Louvre this time, I’ve been to Paris a handfull of times, but never visited the Louvre and I can’t see myself going there with a small child either, so this is probably the last chance I have in a long time. Wherever we’ll end up, we’ll be sure to take a lot of pictures!

I just came back from a checkup at the clinic. I was more relaxed going there then the previous times. Now that I feel the baby move almost all the time, I’m confident he is doing well. I weighed in at 65kg (143lbs) which means I’ve gained 7kg (15.4lbs) since getting pregnant. I’m 23 weeks along now and I do feel like work is getting more and more of a problem. I’m so very tired and my belly and back are starting to ache sooner every day. As of yesterday morning my legs are aching as well. I’m so glad I only have two days to go untill I have three weeks off!

During the last week of our leave, M. and I will be focusing our attention to the nursery. A couple of weeks ago we got the closet of the series we want because we’ve been showered with baby items by friends and family and needed a place to store them! On our next visit to IKEA we’ll be getting the cot and the commode. As for the theme color of the room, I want a light/mid green.

On a last note: the Netherlands will be facing Russia in the quarter finals of Euro 2008. This will be a very interesting match since Russia is coached by Dutchie Guus Hiddink!

Well ta-ta everyone, see you on the flipside!

Today is my 26-and-a-half-th birthday. It’s Kitty’s eight. M. turned 25-and-a-half a couple of days ago. We have been together for half a year this week and I’m halfway through my pregnancy. I’m tired of people who react snotty when I tell them I’m pregnant while M. and I have been together for only six months. But I know I’ve been skeptical of similar situations in the past, so I suppose I deserve their disapproving looks. I just know that this feel right to me and I’ve never been happier with my life. I’m equally tired of unasked for, false advice. Why is it that everyone acts like they’re an expert on pregnancies? And why is it that so many people seem to think that alcohol is okay, even good for the baby? If I have questions, I’ll ask the midwife or someone I trust to know what they’re talking about, not some random person, kthanx.

I’m so incredibly tired. All I want to do is chill in bed with the laptop with food and my knitting within reach. I don’t know what tires me the most, the pregnancy, the mindless work or the allergies. It’s really hard to find something that I’m allowed to take that actually works for my allergy to pollen now that I’m pregnant.
Only three weeks and two days left untill my vacation begins. I cannot wait!

Yesterday we went to Burgers’ Zoo in Arnhem. Check out the pictures at my Flickr Photostream!

We’ve been living together for almost three months now and I still get the treatment of a princess. I’ve never been happier in my life and that kind of scares me and so I’m coming up with all kinds of doom scenario’s in my head to make up for the good times we’re having now. What if M. gets in a car accident? What if there’s something wrong with the baby? But other than that, I have few troubles, besides coming up with money for our vacation. I don’t know where the money has been disappearing to. It feels like there’s a leak somewhere, I’m working my ass off and there still is a shortage! But I suppose that goes for the majority of us.

I can feel the baby kicking all the time now. Only nine more days untill our second ultrasound which will hopefully tell us if we’re getting a baby boy or girl! I really cannot wait!

I feel like I really need a break. I’m so tired. I have headaches all the time, they’re bordering on migraines and now my allergies start to act up as well due to the hot weather. I have yet to find anything that I’m allowed to take for this that actually works. Plus my arms got a terrible sunburn from working in the sun all day, I can hardly move them now. Ugh. How do you know you’re “listening to your body” instead of being a flunk? I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day.

In other news, our bunny Elmo got neutered yesterday. This was necessary for all of us. He’s been acting agressively towards me whenever I give him his daily supply of fresh food and water. Hopefully he will also stop spraying and leave Dixie alone when he’s out of his cage (he tried to mount her several times). So we will all be happier (including M. whose shirts got pissed on in the past, yuck!) and as a result Elmo will be allowed “out” more often. So now it’s my job to give him his prescribed painkillers this week. I succeeded this morning, but in return Elmo almost succeeded in amputating my arm.

On Monday the weather suddenly improved over here and because I don’t work on Mondays I decided to go out and run some errands. My last stop was the petshop. For some reason I feel sorry for Elmo, our little bunny, because he has to spend a lot of time in his cage every day and he just seems bored. Plus whenever he’s out, he stalks Dixie the cat and in return Dixie punches him. So I thought I would have a look around at the petshop to see if there was something there that Elmo might like.
There was only one employee helping costumers at the shop, the other was busy stocking, and because the employee that was helping costumers was helping a couple picking out fish for their new aquarium, it took some time for anyone to notice me. I had put the stuff I wanted to buy on the counter and waited when all of a sudden I got really hot. And then dizzy. So I took off my coat, but it didn’t help. I started seeing black spots and I ran outside, where I crossed the street and collapsed on a bench.
When I felt a little better, I entered the building behind me, some medical center. I thought maybe they could give me some water or something. But as I entered I noticed the toilets and slipped in there, where I continued to down a couple of litres of water. I imidiatly felt a lot better.
When I returned home, I started bawling, because I was so upset with myself. I’m such a weak person and I was so scared. What if something like this happens when I have my baby with me? Will I start running then as well? And sweet little Elmo never got his corncobs or his carrot buns.

Today I’m exactly three months pregnant. That is considered a milestone, right? The past three months went quite well. I hardly felt sick, just very tired. It’s been a stressful period though, telling everyone that meant something to us about the pregnancy. Being scared of how they would react because M. and I have been together for such a short time. It were also the months of quitting alcohol and cigarettes.
Overall I’ve considered it a very happy period. I moved in with M. and we’re still getting along great. We haven’t had a real fallout yet and we’re still mad about eachother. I’m still amazed that he seems to like me so much. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I keep saying it over and over again, but it’s true: I have never met someone quite like him, someone I feel so at home with.

I can only hope that the rest of my pregnancy goes as well as the first part. It does feel like I’m getting more energy but on the other hand it seems as if I’m more troubled by nausea than at the beginning of the pregnancy. Today is the second time I had to hug the toilet bowl this week, I really hope it’s not the beginning of a new trend!