I feel like I’m this-close to a depression. I feel completely worn out. For the first time in my life I’m having trouble sleeping, every night I’m waiting for dawn to break and then during the day I have too little energy to do anything of concequence. I never understood sleeplessness, sleeping was something I could do endlessly, heck, I still don’t understand it, but I know it’s a pain in the ass.
I feel like I’m running behind. My maternity leave was going to be dedicated to leasure, to hobbies, to making the last arrangments for the arrival of the baby. I was sure I would be able to get enough rest. To catch up.
Tomorrow I’ll be 36 weeks pregnant and I still need to do so many things and I don’t know how I’m going to get anything done. I feel like I’m constantly failing M. and my family. I feel like I’m asking too much from them and don’t thank them enough.

Today I had another check up at the clinic. Not surprizingly my bloodpressure was too high once again. So they forwarded me to the gynecologist at the hospital once more. The urine- and bloodtests came back normal, like before but now I’ve been given medication to lower my bloodpressure.
I feel like I need another week to recover from today. I could not control my emotions when the midwife told me I needed to go to hospital again; I had so hoped to get back to bed once I got home and now she bascially told me that I had another long day ahead of me. I cried all the way to my parents house and then some. I felt like running away but knew I couldn’t.
You have no idea how happy I am that that’s all behind me again. And you have no idea how guilty I feel for not being able to wash the dishes and iron the clothes today. I had planned to let Elmo out of his cage, I had planned to make up with Dixie who I had to take to the vet yesterday. I had planned to cook a nice dinner..

I’m sorry that I’m neglecting everyone, I’m sorry for not keeping in touch. I just cannot deal with everything right now.