Today.. tomorrow.. in two weeks.. in five.. ANY day now.. Yesterday we were exactly 37 weeks pregnant, which means you are technically ready to be born! I’m glad we’ve made it this far. I’ve read it’s normal to feel less movement at this stage because there is little space left in there, but you don’t seem to be bothered by that at all, you’re still kicking and grinding as ever.
There are still a couple of things left to do for me and your dad, so I hope you can stay put for a little longer. We still have to pick out the announcement cards we will send out once you’re born and we still haven’t decided on your second name yet! Plus your mommy would love to be able to clean out her closet before the nurse comes to help us take care of you.

I don’t like to go out by myself anymore. In fact, I don’t like to go out at all anymore. The last week and a half I’ve been having periods where it’s hard to breathe and it really freaks me out. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, but it started the same time I started using those medicines for my bloodpressure. I mentioned it at the gynecologist last monday, but he hardly seemed to take notice. So I just sit around at the house all day. And lounge around, because when I sit upright my legs tend to object within half and hour!

I feel like I’m this-close to a depression. I feel completely worn out. For the first time in my life I’m having trouble sleeping, every night I’m waiting for dawn to break and then during the day I have too little energy to do anything of concequence. I never understood sleeplessness, sleeping was something I could do endlessly, heck, I still don’t understand it, but I know it’s a pain in the ass.
I feel like I’m running behind. My maternity leave was going to be dedicated to leasure, to hobbies, to making the last arrangments for the arrival of the baby. I was sure I would be able to get enough rest. To catch up.
Tomorrow I’ll be 36 weeks pregnant and I still need to do so many things and I don’t know how I’m going to get anything done. I feel like I’m constantly failing M. and my family. I feel like I’m asking too much from them and don’t thank them enough.

Today I had another check up at the clinic. Not surprizingly my bloodpressure was too high once again. So they forwarded me to the gynecologist at the hospital once more. The urine- and bloodtests came back normal, like before but now I’ve been given medication to lower my bloodpressure.
I feel like I need another week to recover from today. I could not control my emotions when the midwife told me I needed to go to hospital again; I had so hoped to get back to bed once I got home and now she bascially told me that I had another long day ahead of me. I cried all the way to my parents house and then some. I felt like running away but knew I couldn’t.
You have no idea how happy I am that that’s all behind me again. And you have no idea how guilty I feel for not being able to wash the dishes and iron the clothes today. I had planned to let Elmo out of his cage, I had planned to make up with Dixie who I had to take to the vet yesterday. I had planned to cook a nice dinner..

I’m sorry that I’m neglecting everyone, I’m sorry for not keeping in touch. I just cannot deal with everything right now.

Being in expectation of a baby is one of the most social enterprises I have ever undertaken. By now, exactly eight months in, I am so tired of it. I wish I could just sit it out without doctors, midwives and family members interfearing. I know they all mean well and it’s just me an my nerves that opposes them. I should be thankful for so much support, considering other womens situations, but right now, I just wish to be by myself. I literally cannot wait for the day when the little one has been presented to all the friends and family and I can be alone with him and M. to enjoy parenthood. My worries about whether or not I will be a good parent have disappeared; I just want the baby born now.

Why this change? Well, the pregnancy went from flawless to flawed. I could live with the belly, the sleeplessness, the kicking in my side, the tiredness, the no smoking and no drinking, but now my bloodpressure is getting too high. And with the high bloodpressure, which I’m convinced is mostly caused by stress, come more doctor visits and examinations that are only causing me to have even more stress and get even more tired. I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious circle and other than M. no one really seems to understand this. I can’t explain what exactly makes me nervous about meeting people, doctors, friends, family and strangers, I just know that it has always been this way.

Today M.’s mother (I’m sorry to say it, but that’s another stress factor right there) is driving me to hospital so I can have my urine and blood tested for the third time this week, they can hook me up to a machine to keep track of the baby’s heartrate and my bloodpressure for another hour or so and I can feel completely worn out again by the end of the day.

Believe it or not but I haven’t been here in almost a month! Somehow I just kept putting off blogging, causing me to get even more behind. The baby sweater I mentioned in my previous post has been finished for a long time now and it turned out a lot easier to knit than I had expected. I even completed a second, cabled panel for it.